sana

i hate when i have nothing to do and when there's a lot of "empty moments" in my day..

i get depressed
thinks a lot..A LOT
gets confused
anger building slowly
trying to hold back tears
frustrated

i try to replace it by sleeping but the moment i wake up, all my thoughts are back again..

*wish*

gilmore girls, cry

as my usual routine, every tuesday, 8PM at ktla 5..GILMORE GIRLS season 7

the episode today was heartbreaking..i was teary-eyed watching that certain scene, while she was singing "I'll Always Love You". sakit sobra! (haha affected!??)

and the other part is major heartwarming, though bad boys can be really bad, i knew somewhere in their system runs a soft spot..softer than the boy next door guys..

if life can be cruel at one point in your life, believe that it will always have a way to make your life almost perfect!

no more globe

my globe is officially not working slash no signal slash no maintaining balance for roaming services..

well i could ask my kuya to load it up for me, but i think globe is corrupting people's load! haha even in pinas e! haha so never mind..

i'm going to use mither's smart sim - 09183826582

so if you want to text me or something, i can receive your messages here!

right now i feel like everything's going wrong in "my world"..gulay!

thank God i'm not breaking down..=)

un

can i be called a martyr? hope not..

lesson learned: you can never ever salvage a person from his/her works and magics..

i never thought this would be a lot heavier than i could imagine..

numb and getting more..

for the sake of friendship, so cliche, can it really happen?..

better to have a piece of something than nothing at all..

too much thinking, makes me sick and leads to despise..

arrrgggghhhh

NAKAKAINIS ANG GLOBE! sobrang daya sa service! wla pang 2 months since nagload ako, tapos i never used my load, hindi ako nagttext back sa mga tao, di na rin ako naka - i'm SMS sa ym, halos wala na nga akong natatanggap na text..tapos biglang magttext ang lecheng Globe, "balance insufficient, please reload on 08-27-07 philippine time to continue your roaming service..blah blah"...WHAT THE HELL!! hahaha ano baaaa kung alam ko lang nakakainin nyo rin ung load ko, edi sana nagtext nalang ako nang may napala naman kaysa sa biglang *poof*..balance insufficient!! ano beehhh...

nakakairita ng malupet! kaya bka arburin ko nalang sim ni mama na smart! grrrrrrr

nakakapanginit ng ulo, matutulog na nga lang e..naexcite pa ako kse may nagtext, infairness may nakaalala..sabay GLOBE..with the news na balance insufficient..wohoooo goodnight sleep!! hahaha gulay!!! hahahaha

akala ko ba mukaly ang buhay sa sinabawang gulay?!?! hahaha

i got my 7610, finally! pero goodluck naman, nakakamis ang mga stalls sa sta.lucia na punong-puno ng mga additional eklats sa phone! haha dito, goodluck, nakakapanghinayang magayos ng phone lalo na kpag alam mo ung price sa pinas! hahaha

i'm going to have my interview tomorrow, bahala na si Lord..pero sana what i wanted in my life, sana un ung mangyare..haha i know malabo ako..pero hiraaappp..

*pppffffftttt...*

Sam's Letters to Jennifer

just finished reading "Sam's Letters to Jennifer" by James Patterson..and tears were falling last night..haha

the book was sooo beautiful and hopeful..of course the usual stories, "they lived happily everafter"..yes they lived happily but not for everafter..though it wasn't really applied at the end..i was still sad because i know that 3-5 years from their lives together, someone will leave though they really wouldn't want that too happen, but nature calls..

drama drama but i felt her (Jennifer's) pain in every moment she had to face with her Grandma and with Brendan's situation..

the book showed two kinds of love, one, just when you thought you're not going to be able love someone again..someone will always knock on your door and would let you feel the love you thought you'd never have..

two, you might have settled for someone in your life but, when the "right one", "your soulmate", "your bestfriend" comes along everything fades..especially when you weren't able to feel all those love from the one you've settled with..yes, adultery maybe have been shown in the book but i guess when you're in love there's always room for reasoning..and just like what i've always believed in, people can love two persons at the same time but with different level of passion for each..

anyway, it's a must read book! always, Patterson's romantic novel never fails! just like "Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas"..

i want to read another book but for now i just want to remain in love with their story..haha maybe next week i'd start a new book..

dream and reality

i'm torn between two lovers! haha NOT! long way to go..

anyway, seriously i'm torn between my dream and reality..

i'm half and half about everything but, with lots of prayers and trust..i'm just lifting all the decision to Him..i've decided that if He wants me to go through this and put aside my dream for a while, then i'd accept it and understand..but if He knows that i just pursue my dream first, then He'd show me the sign..

it's a give and take thing, if other people are sacrificing something to survive, then i'm open to share my sacrifice..

i've learned that i should know what i want but at the same time still be open to changes and scenarios that needs flexibility..and i'm glad i'm doing it and still trying to get better..

Take the wheel, Lord

smile - grant lee philips

RULES:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it sounds!

1. If someone says "Is this okay?" you say?
-- so far away - nine days (hahaha pangasar na sagot! haha)

2. What would best describe your personality?
-- love can't lie - sarah geronimo (true!)

3. What do you like in a guy/girl?
-- if i am - nine days (if i am like him! haha similarities)

4. How do you feel today?
--moving pictures - fall out boy (literally!! gulay..addictive)

5. What is your life's purpose?
-- king creole - bloomfields (with a great big soul, he goes by the name of king creole!)

6. What is your motto?
-- Trying to find my way - lifehouse (PATAMA!!! grabe..)

7. What do your friends think of you?
-- dawson's creek ost - goo goo dolls (somehow related..hmm)

8. What do you think of your parents?
-- on my way down - ryan cabrera (25% true..)

9. What do you think about very often?
-- i don't wanna lose your love tonight - wyclef jean (subconsciously??!)

10. What do you think of your bestfriend?
-- learning to breathe - switchfoot (no bestfriend for me, but i guess it's applicable sa isang tao)

11. What do you think of the person you like?
-- to make you feel my love - kelly clarkson (trying..)

12. What is your life story?
-- i want you to want me - cheap trick (HAHAHAHAHA mas mahaba pa na tawa dapat)

13. What do you want to be when you grow up?
-- shine your light - robbie robertson (true true..someday!)

14. What do you think when you see the person you like?
-- The dog song - nellie mcKay (WOHOOOO SAKTO!!!)

15. What do your parents think of you?
--how could you say you love me - sarah geronimo (hehe is this bec of??!)

16. What will you dance to at your wedding?
-- dance dance - fall out boy (galing! haha sakto!)

17. What will they play at your funeral?
-- kahit na - bridge (nakakalungkot na nakakaiyak isipin)

18. What is your favorite hobby/interest?
-- drive - incubus (true! long driving and car race games)

19. What is your biggest fear?
-- i miss you - incubus (hmmm)

20. What is your biggest secret?
-- my immortal - evanescence (make that I'M immortal! hehe pero true ung meaning nang song)

21. What song will be the title when you repost this?0
- smile - grant lee philips

will it ever end?

one thing i've learned from this new part of my *life is to face my fears or rather to face the things that i can never accept as of now (til i don't know when)..

well i've got to move on, i can't let this certain character of other people stop me from pursuing what i want in my life, i know i'm sort of cheating myself from the new reality right in front of me but, i guess it's better this way and learn on my own how to swallow everything i've been seeing..

but i guess little by little i'd be immune to all this "changes" and be numb, while looking at every captured moment of someone's life..

although i'm still trying to regain the not-so-old days, the not-so-old memories..but i'm afraid that may never be able to know how every detail feels like before..and if i'd try to change the "me" just to be able to understand everything i guess i can never be as loud, as easy, as "spur of the moment" person, as a one-call-i'm-there-friend, as a wee hours-go-home-person, as "cool"..and i don't know if this indifferences will melt down and just let things go their own way..

my friends keep asking me what to do with their own dilemma and the funny thing is i always have something to tell them and fortunately, it helped them..but when facing my own dilemmas i still don't know which "path" am i going to take and how firm am i going to be..

i don't want to be like Susan Mayer, who's a fool on love but, i don't want to be a Bree Van de Kamp; who's good in denials, good in outer presentation, and highly sophisticated that other people can't really jive with..

the song "Love Again" ----> the opposite of how i feel right now..every lyrics...

i hope one day i won't end up being a cynic about love..

random shoot!

i've been cooking a lot lately and thank God everyone likes everything i cooked! haha well they're surprised because they rarely see me cooking at home (pinas) but i'm always in the kitchen talking to my ate's..hehe well i like talking to them and help them around, especially when there's a need of chopping veggies..haha well here, everything is already chopped and peeled so quite boring! haha

well i think i learned just by looking, smelling, and tasting my ate's foods..i was always the taste tester? hehe

we're all joking around here that i got promoted from assistant chef to being the chief chef! haha and mama was demoted..hahaha

=====================================================================

nicole told me something about celebrity duets and hayden is part of it (the MC prom king)..haha i don't know if we should be proud about his "success" because in a way we're all acquaintances..haha

we really need to talk to pam! hahaha

======================================================================

i'm getting my dream phone 7610..haha i know its an old model and A LOT of new nokia series were out in the past 4 years..haha but i've been eyeing on this phone for YEARS..hahaha and i think i'm going to be satisfied with it for a LONG TIME..hahaha

i'm going to buy it on ebay for a cheap price and its brand new! papa lend me 2/3 of the money to buy it..haha "payable when able" hahaha

but i'm a bit sad because i've talked about this with someone and hopefully we'd get our dream phone together..hehehe

dream boy, dream girl

well this is based on personal experience, friend's experience, and just an observation..=)

well if you have boylets, boyfriend, suitors, or guy fling..di ko na alam kung anong terms mayron pa ngayon! haha they tell you of course that they like you, the way you look, and the "whole" package..

and by the time you've already committed to each other (para sa boyfriend) or you're open about stuffs with each other (para sa fling, crush, MU, boylet, suitor, atbp)..you'll see that bit by bit you'll discover what kind of girls they really want..and it all boils down to their crushes, ex, past flings, etc...

if these girl in the past or present crushes has a similar attribute that you have, then he really likes you..i mean that's the kind of girl he really wanted ever since..like same features of the face, hair, body structure, skin tone, and so on..like they have a crush on this girl that is almost exactly like you, the only difference is, ARTISTA SIYA! haha then you're on the "right track" and he got was he wanted..which in return would make you feel flattered and at peace that your guy likes/loves you and he really wanted someone like you in any manner..

but if these guys would tell you that they like this specific girl and admit it or not, doesn't really look like you or not much similarity at all..then subconsciously or worst consciously! tsk that's the girls they really wanted ..the "dream girls", girls that they know they really couldn't have or girls they really just like physically and all, but maybe intellectually and the whole being isn't just there..but in this case you'd be insecure and somehow feel bothered that, the girl he likes are out of your league..

well i only shared this because it was my experience..haha at least i know who my "competitors" are..haha so i always know where i stand..but for 2 of my friends, i'd have to say sorry for them..well for one, they both just had a break up, the cause is still a mystery but well girls are girls, we go for instinct and evidences! hahaha but talking to them made me realize everything i wrote..

somehow, these guys may have seen something on my friends, but they're still looking for something else, something they really like that my friends doesn't have and yet they still had the relationship maybe for something the guys thought they really wanted..only to find out, as the years passed by, it's not my friends they were seeking for..

well of course this could go vice versa, girls can like something or someone else, the so-called "dream boys"..hahaha but not just to defend the girl's side, i just think, yes girls can have this idealistic guys in their minds, but we know how to compartmentalize..we know when crush is just a crush but we don't really want that same kind of "extra human being" to be our partners..also, some girls would want to own or to have a relationship with these guys, only to find out at the end of the relationship, that these "magical guys" should just remain as the so-called "dream boys"..

family matters

let there be peace on earth
the peace that was meant to be..

yess that's my theme song at this moment..i had a semi huge drama with a family member and it was a good way to express myself and my emotions..that i kept for a while..well i wasn't able to let it all out, even the main issue why i was acting like that..but its all good, i just believe that some things are not meant to be said..

but i was touched on how "family love" will always know how to forgive..

i was willing to eat my pride when i had the chance to reconcile with my family member, but at the last second i got tongue tied and wasn't able to speak and start a conversation..

lesson learned: never let that kind of moment slip away, when you're really ready to make the first move and continue living "normally"..also to help you free yourself from guilt

so thank you!

my horoscope = TRUE

The Bottom Line

If you are having a hard time communicating with your family, get some distance.

In Detail

Don't feel guilty if you're having a hard time communicating with your family right now. Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt, and the people who know you the best are also the people who bug you the most. Just give yourself some distance from the relatives who are getting on your nerves. You need to keep yourself from saying something or doing something that could hurt their feelings. It's okay to need a break from the ties that bind every once in a while!

i rarely read "my horoscope" on friendster, but today's horoscope is creepy! SOBRANG SAKTO and actually just happened! if only i could print this and show it to THEM..would they believe too?? gulay! would they understand me now, that what i'm doing is better rather than doing what they wanted! hiraaappp

keeping my silence

ANONG PROBLEMA KO???! KAYO! kung pwede lang tlgang sumagot ginawa ko na..tska para ring makakatulong kayo kung sabhn ko dahil ilang beses ko na sinabi sa inyo, may nagawa ba? WALA

just when i thought your immediate family were the first people to support you

erased the old, posted new

i can never understand it, i don't know why..i kept asking my friends and a psych major grad..but their idea just never sinks in my mind..specifically in my frontal lobe! haha where reasoning, problem solving, and emotions are being processed..(science realated post! haha) and with my occipital lobe, part of my brain which i know works well..slowly proving me, that i was right! i know i'm right this..i'm sooo good! haha

just like what camie and i concluded, the hardest part of "this" is the "after shock" of "this"..haha true!

and thanks mela for what you told me, i hope and pray for it..=) finally i'm happy we had time to catch up on the latest! haha *apir* (kahit di mo 'to nababasa, i love u tsong!)

kai, kai, kai! haha time time time..haha (mahal din kita!)

cawax..i miss u! kse naman magshare na e! haha i-emote mo na! haha


"i get by with little help from my friends" - Joe Cocker

guilty! hahaha

1am kuya used the pc so i was kicked out of the chair..haha

i resorted to watching "Desperate Housewives" on DBD..haha seaon 1 i think..anyway, i was feeling the mood of munching while watching a marathon..i was thinking not twice but about 5 times..haha and my tummy was crumbling too so it's a matter of choice! hahaha and i already brushed, flossed, and mouthwashed?! hahaha

but the winner was, munching time! haha i ate Doritos Nacho Cheese..haha yummeh..but every bite i made and every crunch i heard was telling me that i was eating junk food and 150 calories! hahaha i'm not really conscious about this calories thing but the numbers are just getting into me these days! hahaha to think that i was walking on the treadmill and i think just gaining the calories i lost back in a very simple way! haha eating!!

i was able to control myself, so i didn't finish the whole bag..haha because it was really big! hahaha then right after eating, lots of water..then straight to the bathroom for another round of brushing! hahaha

so now, i feel guilty eating it but i loved every taste of it..hahaha

tsk tsk

i'm craving for Julie's choco crinkles!

random thoughts

for fifi may movie si josh hartnett dito, "Resurrecting the Champ"..ahah FYI or maybe u know it already! haha

i want to watch "Becoming Jane", based from the trailers i think i'm going to love it! haha

i'm craving for a Pineapple Teriyaki Burger by Carl's Jr.

i still want to buy this bright green AE flats at payless although i have the silver! haha arti!! but i think it's out of style already, that's why they're on sale and no pics from their site! haha

i've seen commercials of Knorr, "Makulay ang Buhay sa Sinabawang Gulay" and "Wow Paksiw"..hahaha langya!! bkit ganito na ang commercial sa pinas?!?! haha and take note i've seen "Kering Keri ang Buhay" nang Rejoice!! ano ba!!! nakkaiyak!! hahaha naisip ko pa naman na mas maganda commercials sa pinas compared here, pero parang errrrmmm..bakit ganito na ngayon?!??! hahaha

si cawax, ayaw magshare nang something niya sa buhay..hahaha pero buti naman makulay ang iyong buhay!! hahaha

si mela, never ko na atang makakausap! haha laging ojt serious mode! hahaha

camie, di ko naiintindihan blog mo kse di rin kita nakakausap pa! hehehe

i'm vored! are u?! hahaha

3 day adventure!

monday: sinamahan ko si papa sa appleone, a job agency na somewhere and should be, malapit lang dito sa may amin..hahaha pero goodluck! nagbus kami and kmusta naman nawawala ang bus stop na kailangan naming puntahan para makasakay! haha tapos nung nakita na namin ung bus stop, kakalagpas palang nung bus..hahaha napakasaya! to make the story short..

NAGLAKAD KAMI NANG MORE OR LESS 5 MILES..2 hours walking under the summery hot sun! hahaha go sweat!! hahaha well for sure bonding time namin un ni papa, pero hindi nang aming mga paa! hahaha tapos since conversion iyon, tinanong ko kay papa kung gano kalayo un sa KM mga 10km daw..haha as if it makes sense to me..tinanong ko nalang kung iconvert from our house sa pasig to where? sabi niya.."bahay natin hanggang medical city/meralco" soooo....ung ride na 1 jeep at 1 fx e nalakad ko lang nang ganon! hahaha pwede pwede..

tapos of course feel na feel namin ang workout! haha diretso sa BK and mas feel ni papa dahil ang kinain niya e double whopper!! hahaha

tuesday: it was my first time kong makapg hugas nang butt nang ibang tao! haha well walang problem dahil si hanna naman un..pero goodluck sabi ko sa sarili ko matagal pa ako makakapgsilbi sa isang tao nang ganon! haha i don't want to elaborate more on this story..hahahaha next please..

wednesday: went to appleone again, this time alam na namin ang ssakyan and it only took us 45mins to get there and ung walk na 2 hours only took 7mins by bus!! NAPAKASAYA! hahaha

i was interviewed by ben someone..tapos dun ko lang naappreciate ang look nang pute (well siya palang), may itsura siya hindi blunt na white guy lang..or maybe dahil sa damit..anyway, english kung english..ahaha (cawax, napapagaya na ako sa accent, can't help it! hahaha) tapos binigyan nila ako nang written test, 97/100 haha yess..kse madali lang tlga siya! haha pero ung ksabay kong guy tinanggihan ung test at typing test nalang daw siya agad..hmmm DAYA!! haha

tapos hands on test on MS EXCEL, nangamote ako! haha nafeel ko ang Ms.Espiritu days na dpat pla sineryoso ko siya khit papaano! haha kse basic lang tlga ung questions pero di ko alam ung mga pesteng formula na yan! haha malay ko ba>?!?!?! so i failed 8 out of 30! hahaha

next is MS WORD, bumawi ako! haha i need to prove it or else..haha at infairness khit di ko alam nagpapakita ung mga sagot skin..hahaha thank you Lord! i got 29 out of 30 kse ung isa dun na "next" ko agad so naskip ko ung isang tanong! tsk syang rin un! haha panghila..hahaha

and last is the typing test. i've been to this kind of test twice, 1st sa kaiser permanente and 2nd itong sa appleone..i'm officially 56wpm..kse twice same score so un na un! haha ang napapala nang kakachat! hahah

to end the day, kain kami ni papa yoshinoya, my treat..hehe kse sinamahan niya ako..tapos since meal siya they go with a dessert, so i picked cheesecake..tapos kain lang nang kain, ung nafeel ko na, na busog na ako..mga 1/4 nalng nang cheesecake ang natitira, pagkita ko sa wrapper niya tumataginting na CALORIES: 330...yesss champion!! hahaha mga 2 days akong hindi kakain, gnaon ba un?!?! hahaha so binigay ko nalang kay papa, nasarapan nman siya e! hahaha

after 3 days of busy-busyhan at lamon kung lamon...back to swimming na kinakareer ko at singing while walking drama..hahaha

ways to regain ME

stop looking
stop pretending
stop annoying myself
stop being nice
stop OVER analyzing
stop focusing on that certain topic
stop acting
stop it

instead...

be busy
be happy
be normal, like before
be honest to myself
be optimistic
be not too nice
be quiet
be silent
be still (she's all that line ka ba?! haha)
be shallow
be open
be free

Lift up your hands to God

Life is not all that bad, my friend, hmmm
If you believe in yourself
If you believe there's Someone
Who walks through life without you
You'll never be alone
Just learn to reach out,
And open your heart
Lift up hands to God,
And He'll show you the way.

And He said, "Cast your burdens upon Me
Those who are heavily laden,
Come to Me, all of you who are tired
Of carrying heavy loads,
For the yoke I will give you is easy
And My burden is light,
Come to Me and I will give you rest."

When you feel the world
Is tumblin' down on you,
And you have no one
That you can hold on to,
Just face the rising sun
And you'll see hope,
And there's no need to run
Lift up your hands to God,
And He'll make you feel all right.

And He said, "Cast your burdens upon Me
Those who are heavily laden,
Come to Me, all of you who are tired
Of carrying heavy loads,
For the yoke I will give you is easy
And My burden is light,
Come to Me and I will give you rest."

sung last Sunday at PDCC LA
can't help but cry
let go and let God

ANO BA, PILIT KONG ININTINDI TALAGA..sobra lahat na nang pwede kong maisip para matanggap at lahat na nang pwede kong iloko sa isip ko para maintindihan at tanggapin..HINDI PA REN!!!!

AYOKO NANG MALUNGKOT, UMIYAK, MAGDRAMA, AT MAGALIT...

ano pa bang kailangan kong gawin para matapos na to? lumayo? tumigil nang kakahanap nang connection??
GUSTO KO NAMAN SANA FOR ONCE, MAGING TOTALLY MASAYA

i'm sorry if one day this could turn into anger..

i can smell it..hahaha

one down and i guess 1 or 2 more to go..haha

finally, i've closed one chapter of my life but at the same time opened a new book..=) drama drama..haha although true, i may have closed a story and may have finally cleared everything out..but i/we we're able to breathe and live new lives, better lives..=)

i'm happy everything went to their respective places and state..hehe

thank you troth! =)

regarding the 1 or 2 more to go..still shakey, the topic was entered during our dinner out, buffet..my gulay!!! hahaha

i was able to answer it and thank God, they finally got the idea that, the resto was purposely delaying my interview with the owner..finally!! now i guess it's up to me to be aggressive if i really want to show them what i want and how firm i am with my decision..

thank you Lord for answered signs and prayers! =)

still waiting

when can we definitely know that an incident continuously happening is the so-called sign?

if we asked a really specific sign, does it mean "that" specific event should happen and if something similar to it happens, "that" wouldn't be the answer to our question?

and if something just keeps on delaying to happen, can we call it a "sign"...means that something is holding us back to go through it or do it?

i know i shouldn't over analyze stuffs, like what fifi said..but i can't help it especially when THIS would define my next action or better yet, my future..everything was going on smoothly, i've finally decided on my next step, every info needed was researched, had a draft timetable, and my heart was into it..but then i just mentioned a simple phone call...AND IT ALL CHANGED IN AN INSTANT ...i was back to zero, back to waiting and taking chances..everyone i've talked to are back to hopeful look on their faces and now i don't know when to enter the topic again..

the very thing that i hate about this is, every time (never fails)...they/he would ask me all over again my plans..as if i changed my mind...it was never me who changes my mind...IT'S THEM! IT'S YOU!

for 9 days i could've filled up I-131 form, i could've thought of things i needed to buy, i could've started talking to people who could help me, i could've checked good buy tickets...but in 9 days, i'd be the same person...WAITING