creme brulee

never expect what other people would do for you, never make up a scenario in your mind and believe that they would really happen. what you want to happen, may not be the same thing the other party would want. what you expect the person to do in certain situations, may not necessarily know that's what they are supposed to do. expectations only make you disappointed, make you angry, and make you think that "they should know that by now", or "that they should at least have an idea that they should do this or they should that."

but when you're just too tired of expecting, too tired of getting hurt, and you have changed at the same time and the only thing that matters to you now is how you feel towards that person, and what is true, then you'd let go of all the anxieties and expectations. because if it's a true feeling - so true, that nothing could tear it apart, nothing can change your mind, not even billy joe crawford (hahaha) then you'd just have to prepare in a different way. prepare for a different scene, worst if possible, because then there's still room for lesser worst actions that you're emotionally prepared for (tricky!).

you, yourself know that you wouldn't want to let go of something so true, so precious, and so real (although it really looks like a fictional book and is best selling). you couldn't even believe how things are going for you, how you've changed and how you've opened up totally - without barriers, pride, and pretensions. and yet still knowing that with this, fear comes along. fear of total damage when something goes wrong, a fear of another long-overdue-healing-period, a fear of being so vulnerable that, you know would do you wrong if something happens. and the funny thing is, the way you used to curse those girls who would jump off a cliff for someone, who would fight against all odds for someone, and so on, is you - you're turning to be one of them (not totally, still sane, but still symptoms off are showing..SOME).

after all the said and done, after the damaged has been done, after all the tears left unsaid (also the tears said). hard to believe, but all you can think of is how to make it work, how to mend broken feelings, how to make an extra step, how to send a heartfelt message. never was and never like you; and yet here you are all guards down and just give, love, hope, and pray. it hurts to know that one day, who knows, it might end the way you both wanted or may go the other way, but from you've learned that, what's important is how it is today, how you gave, and how you true you were. that changed you.