LDR

ang buhay ng LDR..
malungkot. walang kupas na kalungkutan ang madarama mo kapag bigla ka nalang sinumpong ng pag-ka-miss sa tao. kapag dumating na ang sumpong, wala ka nang magagwa kung hindi umiyak, magdrama. malungkot lalo na kapag may mga pangyayare sa buhay mo na naiisip mo, sana andun siya ngayon sa tabe mo, kasama mo sa ligaya at tagumpay. malungkot ng sobra kapag may nakikita kang mga magkasintahan sa tabe mo, pero ikaw mag-isa, naglalakad, kumakain, ngiti lang sa text at sa isipan na sana andun siya sa tabe mo. malungkot na daming gusto niyong pagusapan, gawin, at kahit magtitigan ng walang kinabukasan e hindi niyo magagawa dahil sa layo ng distansiya niyo sa isa't-isa.

nakakapraning. bigla ka nalang minsan mapapraning na hindi siya nagte-text bigla. ang dami nang napapasok sa isip mo, sabay nakatulog lang pala. nagkaron kayo ng konti diskusyon, syempre hindi mo alam ang tono nung boses nang tao dahil sa text lang kayo naguusap, kaya minsan praning ka nalang na galit na ba siya o asar, pero inaantok lang pla magtext kayo medyo wala nang energy. papraning ka nalang minsan dahil ksama niya ang mga kaibigan niya, tas medyo bihira pa makapgreply sayo, ang malupet pa dun, may kasamang mga ibang babae ung mga kabarkada niya. mapapabuntong hininga ka nalang at umasa sa karma kung ano man ang pwedeng maling magawa nang kasintahan mo.

makakaramdam ng matinding pagka-miss. di mo akalain na bigla ka nalang manghihina at mapapaupo at mapapaiyak, lahat yan sabay sabay dahil sa pagka-mis mo sa tao. pakiramdam mo wala ka nang lakas para labanan ito, wala ka nang pasensya na maghintay pa ng isang araw, pero kung tutuusin, taon pa talaga ang hinhintay mo para magkasama kayo. kahit anong klaseng kwento ang gawin mo pa sa mga kaibigan mo, hindi iyon sapat para mapawi ang nararamdaman na pagka-kulang sa pwestong hindi mapupunan dahil wala siya sa tabi mo. at kahit magsabihan pa kayo araw-araw sa isa't-isa ng pagka-miss, hindi ito nawala o nabawasan, dahil alam mo na hangga't di kayo nagkasama, naghawak kamay, nagyakapan, hindi ito mapapawi.

nagmumukha ka nang baliw. oo, nagmumukha ka nang baliw dahil sa text bigla ka nalang mapapangiti,kahit na nasa publiko ka, pagkabasa mo ng text na nakakatawa o sweet galing sa kanya, mapapangiti ka nalang. pagnag-away kayo magbubulong ka magisa sa sarili mo nang kung ano-ano dahil syempre wala siya sa tabe mo. kapag nagkita sa webcam, umaarte kayo na nagyayakapan gamit ang mga unan o yakapin ang sarili ng sabay. pagnapapaalam, aarte na naghalikan sa lips kahit na sa hangin lang ito napunta. pagnagkita at naguusap, laking gaan ng pakiramdam dahil nakikita mo ung tao, mapapaluha ka nalang sa tuwa,dahil parang un nalang ang tanging daan niyo para magkita, sa ngayon. tas kapag kailangan nang maputol ang usapan, iyakan naman sabay tawa dahil para nang mga baliw sa pinagagagawa.

pero ganon pa man ang pinakaimportante sa buhay ng LDR ay saya, lalo na kapag pareho kayong tapat at totoo sa nararamdaman. masaya na alam mo sa kabilang panig ng mundo, mayron isang taong nagmamahal sayo, gusto kang makasama, gusto kang alagaan. masaya dahil sa dinami-dami ng mga tao sa mundo, may iisang tao ka lang na gusto - malayo pa siya sayo. masaya dahil dito mo masusubok ang pagmamahal na sinsabi mo, kung totoo o hindi. kung hanggang san, hanggang kailan. masaya dahil kahit ano pang dami ng problema, lungkot, sakit...hindi pa rin nawawala ung pagmamahal mo sa taong ubod ng layo sayo, literal.

na kahit anong klaseng emosyon pa ang maramdaman mo, kuntento ka pa rin sa mayron ka. madami kang pwedeng hilingin, oo. pero kung anong mayron kayo ngayon, masaya ka na at naghihintay ka nalang ng kinabukasan para maayos ang lahat. na kahit gano kalayo, matutuwa ka at taas nuong ipagmamalaki sa mga tao na kahit malayo kayo, daig niyo pa ang mga magkasintahang magkasama. malaking tiwala ang binubuhos sa relasyong ito, na sabihin man nating hindi nakikita ng isa't-isa ang ginagawa nila, nagtitiwala pa rin dahil yun ang bunga ng pagmamahal. mahirap, pero kung buo at tunay ang nararamadaman, madali itong ibigay. mahirap na madali, na masarap, na masaya, na malungkot, na nakakatuwa, na nakakainspire ng ibang tao ang buhay LDR. tiyaga at pasensya ang kailangan para makapagpatuloy sa sitwasyong ito.

kaya pagdating ng araw na mas malaki pa dito ang problemang hinaharap namin, ngingiti nalang kami at iisipin ang lahat ng pinagdaanan namin bago kami magkasama, tiyak na malulusutan yun.

ryan and judy-ann AGONCILLO - showbiz muna..haha

i saw ryan and juday's wedding special part 2..for the first time i'm happy to see a celebrity couple getting married - got married and i believe that their marriage is going to last. and the thought that they're going to get married for themselves not for any publicity.

and among all the grooms i've seen getting married, ryan agoncillo was the HAPPIEST groom ever! =) a HUGE smile, all through out the wedding ceremony and during the preparation, even during the post-interview. parang gusto nya tlagang ikasal, without any fear or hesistations. =) (partida -- ex-crush ko e!haha) hindi pero no joke, thinking about it, if you're walking down the aisle and you'd see your groom with a smile like that, maybe i'd be running towards the altar and say "i do" hehe

nakakaiyak, kase they look so in love - na parang love made it happen. and lagi nila mini-mention ang friendship. which is true!

and then after watching it, i've come to realize, i wanted to get married once..(hindi ko ibig sabhin na may plano ako before ikasal twice with 2 different people..haha) basta! and i don't need to rush, i've decided nga na i wanted to get marriend once and it would be a church wedding (kase napagalamanan namin ni nicole na kapag Catholic, church tlaga, kahit na gusto ko tlaga e garden wedding..haha) and i'd relay my decision. hehe

i hope all couples who are going to get married would be as happy as them (ryan-juday)..coz i know one day, if i'd get married, i'd be happy! =)


PS sakto pa ung passage reading sa blog ko for today, sa upper left side ng blog page --
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.- 1 John iv. 18.

BORED

i should be doing my hours and doing a pharma tech stuffs. but no orders, no nothing. i'm here OVER bored and to death tired since morning, for work. haha

i have to type fast and think fast and create stuffs to keep myself busy. and doing this, shouldn't be part of this.

i wish i could use my cp, but it's a deadzone. BASEMENT! haha

buhay kung pwed lang

minsan kung pwede lang 'wag maging responsble, walang worries, walang future na dapat isipin..i'd be with one person right now..haha kung pwede lang maging carefree and no bills to pay, food would come want-to-sawa..haha

right now, that's all i can think of..kung pwede lang puro "wants" ang sundin nating lahat, kung ano gusto mo gawin mo without considering yung mga tao sa paligid, kahit ano pa sabhin nila sayo, kahit ano pa-i-judge nila sayo..but of course, hindi pwede..hindi pwede gumawa ka lang ng gusto mo dahil everyone would be affected, disappointment, kahihiyan, lack of trust and respect.

kung sarili nga lang natin iisipin natin, kung gagawa lang tayo lage ng gusto natin, we would be happy on our own..pero to share it with others, people around you eversince..i know would be happier..hehe

kaya ito, aral-trabaho-ipon, then hopefully one day..everything would just fall into place knowing na may kasama ka na lage araw-araw ng buhay mo, katulong, karamay kahit san, kahit ano..


Lying here with you, listening to the rain.
Smiling just to see a smile upon your face.
And these are the moments I'll remember all my life.
I found all I've waited for and I could not ask for more.
Looking in your eyes, seeing all I need.
Girl, I think you are it's everything to me.
These are the moments I know heaven must exist.
These are the moments I know all I need is this.
I have all I've waited for and I could not ask for more.

[Reff:]
I could not ask for more than this time together.
I couldn't ask for more that this time with you.
Every breath has been answered. Every dream that has come through.
Yeah, right here in this moment, it's that we're all meant to be.
(Oh) here with you, here with me.

And these are the moments I thank God that I'm alive.
And these are the moments I'll remember all my life.
I've got all I've waited for and I could not ask for more.

[Repeat Reff]

I could not ask for more than the love you gave me
cos it's all I've waited for.
And I could not ask for more.

emote emote! kainis! haha
taong tubig..tama na linya!!!! hehe

twilight late madness

i've seen "Twilight" last week, ako nalang ang gising at moment ko yun while waiting for Noel to go online..so around mga 4am na nun kse he's coming from work.. =)

anyway, so yun..infairness hindi siya all bad, but it was "blah" haha thrilling and kiliging!haha kase parang may isang "hero" not like kryptonite type and spider webs..(un nga ba ung sinabi ni bella?) haha anyway, instead of your normal hero naging vampire lang naman..hindi naman msyado nakakatakot..haha kse may itsura..haha pero major putla nila ah? infairness, cold kung cold..haha

so after nung una kong panood, i played some of my favorite parts, especially ung "i don't think i have the strength to stay away from you anymore" (something like that..hehe) kilig! haha then the next day i played it again, pero this time dami kong napansin sa mga characters and mga snsabi..haha so mas lalo kong naintindihan..hehe kse nung una kilig lang at ung mga bida lang pansin ko e..haha ung "essence" ng pelikula,wala..haha

and i guess, i won't get bored of watching it pero hindi ko sya major to-die-for movie..hehe prang kapag bored ka at gusto mo kiligin, watch it ng paulit-ulit..hehe

next movie is P.S., I love you.. binurn ulit ni harry..hehe si burner man slash pirata english version kse nasa US kami,pero pinoy siya..hehe

i miss noel.. =(

first time to go out!haha

since i was ZERO social life for me, my considered social life is with may parents or with relatives. period. haha but it's fine, i'm not the most friendly person in the world. haha

anyway, last saturday night (yehess..saturday night! hahaha) we went to Elephant Bar down at Burbank. with my new friends, they're both pinoy, marianne - born here but she talks filipino the way i do. with all the "tono" and some of the "jologs" term we use. sometimes i wonder if she's lying..haha joke. then there's harry, born in pinas, but has been here for 11 years now. he visited pinas for the first time after 11 years. and he was sick first week, then no one to go out with because no one knows him anymore! haha

so there, i was doing my hours at CVS pharma, supposedly out by 10pm but they kidnapped me around 830. i was the only tech in the pharma, i was willing to stay to help out the pharmacist but on the second thought, i'm not getting paid for this, so why not have a social life instead..and so i did! haha

i didn't feel like eating, but they were both hungry so i just ordered salad, thinking that i couldn't finish it, but of course..with my b-i-g appetite, gone salad! haha Thai - High Sweet and Spicy Salad! yummy i thought we were going to get a drink, but since they didn't order any alcohol, edi wag!haha

we all had a good talk and laugh, about pinas, my life in pinas, and questions like what "if's"..they were actually telling me, after 3 more years or less my decision whether pinas or US would change. i said no, because i still don't like to be here, this doesn't feel home. i'm here to earn, make a career, live and love life. but for me to absorb this country like my own. NEVER. while i'm here and have the opportunity in my hands, i'd make the most out of it, but after years of working - saved up some money. or even start a family here, then when they're old enough, i'd go back to pinas and grow old with my husband. (of course, pinoy ang asawa ko..haha)

so we also talked about getting a tattoo..i'm willing to get one if they could find a PAINLESS tattoo for me..haha harry's planning to go home to pinas this may, i told him to go home this *tooot* this year with me, so he'll have a tour guide and make his visit more fun and not stay home all week. hehe

sayang nga e! no pictures to capture the moment, first out with friends..haha not with parents, but the thing is, i felt a little sad, coz usually since i go out with my parents all the time, the experience of eating for the first time without them is a not-so-good feeling..hehe part of me wish they were there. so i've decided to bring them there one day. hehe

**and major major major major sudden change for me and noel. he started work this monday. tulog siya gising ako..gising ako tulog siya..hahaha nakakaiyak! hehe pero kaya yan.. :)

God, answered his prayer

THANK YOU LORD!
noel got a job, right there and then he was hired, he'll start his training on Monday.
travel would be a sacrifice for him, 1 and half hour commute, 4 rides.
i'm happy because i know he's happy.
one more to go, Lord, alam niyo na yun!:)

one way street

feeling ng lahat ikaw lagi ung nagmamatigas, ikaw lagi ung nag-iinarte at nagssungit..kaw lage ung ung nakakasakit..pero sana maisip din ng ibang tao na may mga taong di nagsasalita at nagtitiis na tumahimik para lagn di magkagulo..may mga taong mas pipiliin akuin mag-isa ung nararamdaman kahit nasaktan, sinasaktan, at nasasaktan..pero i guess they'll never know it..

ganon na pala, nuon pa

ingat na ingat kang di makasakit ng ibang tao, pinagiisipan lahat ng gagawin at ssbhin..pero minsan, may mga taong walang pake kung ano maramdaman mo, walang pake kung ano isipin mo..

wala na akong pake sa part na naging storya un, ang masakit lang di ka na talaga binibgyan ng importansya na tanungin man lang..

ngayon alam ko na kung bkit ako nagdesisyon, at sa tingin ko tama ako..

dito na nagtatapos ang lahat, pati ang pinakabagay na natitira..gugupitin ko na..

magbabago ng lahat..khit ilang taon nang kasama..mababaw man na bagay para sa iba, pero di ako nagbabaliwala ng kahit ano..

this is it. period.

more lies

sometimes being too honest and sincere can stab you back, especially when the people around you lie.

obama

"brand new day" - some captions you'd see in the papers last Wednesday, when Barack Obama, make that President Obama had his inauguration.

i'm not into politics, never was. haha but like what i always say, his platforms and promises are too grand and idealistic, which is good. he has a vision, vision that one day wars would end, everyone gets a fair deal, but how? i guess, he could make it if those people who were there in DC would start the change and do the change, then maybe.

too much emotions were shown that day, Wednesday. blacks were in tears, male or female, honored and finally felt alive. even beyonce was speechless when she was interviewed. that finally after years and years of slavery and racism, they had representative to show other Americans that they too can succeed, more than they can imagine. it's moving to see them on tv that day, so proud and inspired to do something more and make a change.

second day of his Presidency, just saw in the news, which is a 100 plus points for me. haha he signed 3 bills today, about the prison somewhere, treatment of terrorist in prison, and something else. haha most of the time, any president would sign (with all the cameras and cabinet behind him/her) the bill then that's it. but for Obama, one, he wasn't really prepared or i guess he didn't know that he was supposed to sign 3 bills at that moment. second, before he signed the bill, he read the vital part of it and further explained what it means and how it would affect the country and related. no President has ever done that. he let's his people know the details in lay man's term and starts the change on his second day of work.

him, being the President means maybe a start to end racism (esp. with blacks), a more humane and realistic way of handling the White House, less drama. and hopefully, start of a brand new day for their country.

new year '09

another year has passed, a year of changes..a lot!

i was open to be open, i know my emotions got all caught up and all my views regarding my migration is negative and overrated but i know i'll never be able to move on and be better if i have all in this in my mind..so, i had to be open and see the bigger picture of things..and i'm glad i did..

i was open for changes and acceptance for the past year, a year of adjustment for me, still, regarding my US issue..instead of constant ranting and making my life miserable, i just look at the brighter side and have a goal, purpose for me to continue..

i became more spiritual, it's not about hearing mass every sunday or everyday, but when i'm there for whatever occassion and when i just feel down, i go to our Church (around 8 houses away from our apt.) and pray and talk to Him..whatever issue that's been troubling me, i don't plan on being dramatic..haha but i guess He's the first person whom i could go to and say my deepest feelings..and right after i go out of that Church, i just can't explain how light i feel and like refreshed to start again..

i've taken steps in making my life more fruitful..i've been going to school and few more months and i'd be graduating..like what i've said, instead of ranting, i made little steps to make me successful and achiever..mornings i go to work 7am - 3pm then get home around 4pm, have an hour sleep, then 530pm off again to school..6-10pm..go home and 4-5hour sleep then routine goes on and on and on..i never complain though, because i know at the end of all this, something good is there waiting for me and for my family..=) and i guess its paying off to be a pinoy, that for sure! hehe and my 3 years of chemistry is an edge..=) interneship, here i come! welcome jobs, welcome! hahaha

i learned to let go, again and again..without bitterness, sourgraping, sacrasm..yes, i did it! i guess my therapy worked, the more i get to know the details, the pictures, the story, the more i see it, realize things, and just be happy for others..i tell, to say that you're happy for someone else - is really hard! haha especially when you're not - at first..but when you're just powerless and awake from what reasons you've made, saying it maybe for the 3rd or 5th time, then the words has its meaning, in truest form.. =)

i gained, yes i gained weight that for surE! haha and i gained a friend, love, enemy, partner, my opposite - who puts me into equilibrium of things..when time came that i became sure of myself, then he came..he was there ever since, but i guess i just let him in this time..and i'm happy, never been happy..believe it or not, i've changed! i swear, Golda knows that it's not me, not the Eunice she used to listen to..i'm one of them, i'm one of those girls (not every aspect with THOSE kind of girls..haha) i hate it that i'm like this, but at the same time, this is the feeling who makes me, me..the girl who likes hearts (haha), who appreciates any form of love, who gives importance to small details about life, who cries not only with hurt but who cries because of joy..and lastly, a girl who is willing to take risk, be patient, and endure whatever it take even if distance is the only factor that keeps us apart..

and now i'm starting again, keeping all the good memories and people with me..leaving all the bad, anger, hatred in the past year - using them as lessons or "reviewers" in my life..

actually we don't have to wait for a year to change, i've learned that, everyday is an opportunity for us to start a new, it never stops..it's up to us to make it or fake it..=)

happy new year everyone! =)