mag-emote tayo

someone told me that one of the characters that she sees in me is that, i know what i want. good trait - i guess. but the thing is, i think it's a gift and a curse -- sort of, at the same time.

gift -plain and simple, i know what i want, feel, made, did, got into, missed. i know what would make me steady - but not certain if it would really make me happy/satisfied.

curse - i have expectations, a lot. and i get frustrated easily when they don't reach what i expected them to be or what i hope they should be. wrong, very wrong. i try not to, but i just can't help it, especially when they're the one who started "that image" they're portraying from the start. and it's hard because though i just want to give up, i can't because i want it - supposedly.

so sometimes not knowing what you really want can be a good thing. clueless about who, where, when, and why, would be better.

bored depression

when you're bored and you got no one to talk to...modify your template!

life is rollercoaster - ups and downs, hoops and loops, and the whole nine-yards...and it doesn't run through a straight rail or even a smooth one...

gotta trust the nose

masakit pala talagang malaman ang katotohanan lalo na kapag ikaw mismo ang naghanap nang sagot. at mas lalong masakit dahil hanggang sa huling sandali (kahit hanggang ngayon) naniniwala ka pa rin sa tao kahit anong sabihin o gawin kahit taliwas sa mga nakikita at nababasa at naririnig. kahit na alam mong masasaktan ka, sige pa rin ang paghahanap, pagtitingin, pagtatanong, pero mas mabuti nang alam ang tunay na nangyayare kaysa sa mundong alam mo at ginawa mo.

masakit pero tapos na. nuon pa naman alam ko, gut feeling - pero siguro mas sinunod ko ung tiwala ko sa tao kaysa sa naramdaman ko. hindi ako galit, hindi ako inis, hindi ako magtatanim ng galit at hindi ko rin masisisi yung tao. hindi rin naman ako perpekto. actually, hindi ko alam kung anong nararamdaman ko.

at mas lalong masakit at nahihirapan ako dahil simula nang una akong masaktan hanggang ngayon..hindi ako marunong tumanggap nang sorry galing sa lalake. mas gugustuhin ko pang hindi magsabe ng sorry at aksyunan nalang yung pangyayare o bumawi kaysa marinig ang salitang sorry, pero kinabukasan balik sa dati ang lahat, walang nagbago, walang binago, walang nangyare. kailan ako ulit matututo - hindi ko alam.

*i hope you know that i won't blame you, i won't take it against you. with me knowing this, just makes us farther from each other, but don't worry - i'd still stay and try to continue telling you that "i'm here".

coincidence: after blogging i got an email from papa about this test. my result was this:

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

so logged on again to add this part. weird.

the journey's just beginning

this was harder than i imagined. got chills down my spine, literally - until now while i'm writing.

i've exposed myself to a lot emotions since day 1, some of it i don't know ever existed, a lot of analyzing on who, how, what, when, and why. i knew, still know and believe in whatever i did. but why does it go back to me this way? if being straight and knowing what's best for me is a crime, then i'm guilty. but do i have to undergo all this drama all over again? i thought i was through. done. over it.

i want to cry, but i can't. no tears to shed. why? i don't know.

now i know i'm like a kid - in one specific aspect. i do hold on to things and promises. and once broken, i get disappointed and frustrated. no words could explain this.

as i write this a lot of hope and wish well.

knowing this, is just half of the whole story - journey i have to take. when will it end, i pray i have the answers.

breathe

there's a great difference between keeping it to yourself and telling it..

with few tears to spare and a heart felt message, a perfect formula for a great breather.. =)

everyone deserves to be happy and everyone should seek and capture it! =)